Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry has been around since the beginning of time but that doesn’t mean that it has to take place in your home. While a certain amount of competition is healthy, sibling rivalry can end up being hurtful to not only the children involved but to the family as a whole. This is often because while there is a fight or disagreements taking place, the children tend to want to include either or both parents in order for them to insure that “justice” is being served. This will put the parents in a compromising position which will force them to see who is “right” and who is “wrong”. It is common for children to become masters at knowing exactly what to say to their parents in order to try to get them to take their side. Once a scenario such as that takes place, it often leads to anger, hurt and even resentment. One of the children may begin saying, “You always take his/her side”. And over time this constant blaming of each other wears down the parents.

Many times after a long days work, it can be very frustrating to have to become a referee over who gets to sit in the front seat on the car ride home. What it comes down to is that what children really want and need is their parent’s attention. On the surface, the fights can be about who gets the remote control or who the “favorite child” is. But unconsciously the children are demanding attention from their parents.

           

So how do already busy parents go about giving even more attention and time to their children when they often may not have enough time to get through their day’s checklist? Well, the good news is that the quality of the time that is spent with their children far outweighs the quantity of the time. Quality time can be spent doing just about anything from going for a walk together to making a puzzle together. But the main factor is that the activity has to be done with each child individually and the parents must give their total attention and focus to that child during the activity. In order to achieve this it can be helpful to turn off the cell phone and also arrange for the other children to be occupied doing a separate activity for that time. For example, if your daughter wants to bake cookies tonight, this would be a great opportunity for quality time. So once the distractions are put aside, the quality time can begin. During this special time with your child, it is a great time to get them to open up to you as well. A great way to facilitate that is by asking them about things that interest them. Another way is by asking them to tell you a funny thing that happened in school that day. Children know when they have your undivided attention and this approach also helps improve the communication with your child as well.

           

Once these quality time activities begin, they will become a time that all the family members will look forward too. These activities often need to be planned in advance because of busy schedules but if one quality time activity is scheduled for each child weekly you will begin to see the positive changes in all relationships in the family. Each child will feel important and special and this will lead to them not feeling the need to compete with their sibling for your attention.

Written By: Mina Sulkowski, LMHC

Email: mina@mindtherapygroup.com

How to Handle Temper Tantrums

The terrible twos don’t have to be so terrible after all. It can be difficult when your child begins to have temper tantrums. It is especially stressful when they happen in public. It causes stress levels to rise which in turn raises them in the child as well. There are many ways to handle these tantrums but I would like to discuss one way that has shown to be very successful. Although this technique is more challenging on the onset. Over time it will not only reduce the amount of tantrums but the severity of them as well.

Well, to get started, you and your family (everyone in your child’s life) have to begin to ignore his bad behavior. And only give attention when they are behaving "good".

I know this is so easy to say and so difficult to do, but I promise it works!

Now if they are having a tantrum the steps that you should take are:

-Make sure that you are calm (Take a moment if you need it)

-Pick them up gently and move them to another area (where they can't hurt themselves).

-Sit them down and completely ignore them, Looking at them counts as attention!

-Once they are calm, you can approach them and say this "I know that you are feeling ____ because of   _______ . It is okay to feel ________ but it is not ok to _______.

Example: “I know you are feeling angry because Tommy took your toy. It is okay to feel angry but it is not okay to scream and throw things.

-Then you drop the subject and move on.

And remember you can never praise them enough when they are behaving well!

Another major part of this process is that since parents are only human and at times get angry as well, it is important that if and when parents lose their temper, they say the same phrase that you tell them when they have their tantrum.

For example: Mommy is feeling angry because that driver took mommy’s parking space. It is okay for mommy to feel angry but it is not ok for mommy to scream names at that car. Mommy is sorry.  This way as parents you are modeling the same behavior and there are no mixed messages sent to your child. It is also important for every adult that interacts with your child to follow these same steps. What often happens if one parent follows these techniques and the other doesn’t is that the child will start to only have the tantrums with the parent that doesn’t. That is usually enough motivation for all adults in the family to use these techniques.

Using these techniques will help ease your child’s terrible twos and continuing these techniques in modified ways throughout your child’s life will motivate your child to behave appropriately because they want to, not out of fear of being punished.

Written by: Mina Sulkowski, LMHC

Email: mina@mindtherapygroup.com

           

           

The ABC's of a Healthy Divorce

With over 40% of first marriages ending in divorce in the United States, it’s no wonder that much attention has been placed on this very difficult process. Divorce is an extremely difficult process which not only affects the couple getting the divorce but also their children, family, friends and even co-workers. While many divorces contain sadness over the loss and concern for the future, unfortunately, many divorces also contain anger, resentment, bitterness and frustration.

It is possible to have a good divorce, or at least one that is done in a healthier way. Here are some ABC's of a Healthy Divorce

(A) Good communication

(B) Emotional closure

(C) Trust

While it is challenging to achieve a healthier divorce, it is indeed possible. One way that has shown to increase this possibility is to involve as little influence from their attorneys and the court system as possible. In many cases it is necessary but it has shown that about 99% of all divorces are settled before the official trial. But, the settlement does not usually occur until the lawyers of both parties have developed the case for this trial. The development of the case is where the couple suffers a great deal financially and emotionally. A different option that has shown to keep this type of suffering to a minimum is by the use of divorce mediation. Using a divorce mediator has shown to keep conflict to a minimum because it comes with the understanding that the couple is eager to resolve the issues of divorce as peacefully and fairly as possible. This also in turn is a more financially feasible option since both parties are not paying for attorneys and therefore not exhausting their finances.

All divorces are challenging but there are additional strenuous challenges when there are children involved. Ways to a healthier divorce when there are children involved are by:

-Neither spouse speaking negatively of each other in front of the children.

-Family members and friends agreeing not to speak negatively of either spouse as well.

-Putting the needs of the children, including visitation rights, in front of the needs of the adults.

-Showing the children that there is no ill feeling between the couple by having friendly interactions in their presence.

Divorce overall is a very challenging and difficult experience but when handled in a healthy way can be easier on everyone involved. This will not only result in the current process going more smoothly but the future as well.

Written by:

Mina Sulkowski, LMHC

Email: mina@mindtherapygroup.com

Want to help increase your childs SELF-ESTEEM??

Having a healthy self -esteem is important for everyone in every stage of their life and it begins developing during our childhood. With all of the obstacles that children have to face from peer pressure, society pressure and even media pressure it can be especially challenging to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem. As parents, you have a very important and powerful role in this development.

Each child is different and unique, with their own individual talents, interests and skills. Not all children excel in the same categories but that does not mean that each one shouldn't be praised and rewarded showing importance and value.

Here are some ways to help boost their self-esteem:

·       If your child has a talent such as playing a sport, an instrument, art or any related, show an interest in their talent, supporting this would be a wonderful way to boost their self-esteem. Not only is it a fantastic way for them to stimulate and further develop certain areas of their brain but it is also a great way for the them to express themselves resulting in feeling special which all leads to a healthy self-esteem.

·       Another way to help your child boost their self-esteem is by praising their efforts. For example, not all children excel in Math, but if you see your child trying to improve in this subject it is as equally important to praise and value effort.

     The goal is for them to feel good enough about themselves to know that they can trust their own judgment when faced with different situations that involves any such pressures.

Written by:  Mina Sulkowsky, LMHC

Email: mina@mindtherapygroup.com