Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry has been around since the beginning of time but that doesn’t mean that it has to take place in your home. While a certain amount of competition is healthy, sibling rivalry can end up being hurtful to not only the children involved but to the family as a whole. This is often because while there is a fight or disagreements taking place, the children tend to want to include either or both parents in order for them to insure that “justice” is being served. This will put the parents in a compromising position which will force them to see who is “right” and who is “wrong”. It is common for children to become masters at knowing exactly what to say to their parents in order to try to get them to take their side. Once a scenario such as that takes place, it often leads to anger, hurt and even resentment. One of the children may begin saying, “You always take his/her side”. And over time this constant blaming of each other wears down the parents.

Many times after a long days work, it can be very frustrating to have to become a referee over who gets to sit in the front seat on the car ride home. What it comes down to is that what children really want and need is their parent’s attention. On the surface, the fights can be about who gets the remote control or who the “favorite child” is. But unconsciously the children are demanding attention from their parents.

           

So how do already busy parents go about giving even more attention and time to their children when they often may not have enough time to get through their day’s checklist? Well, the good news is that the quality of the time that is spent with their children far outweighs the quantity of the time. Quality time can be spent doing just about anything from going for a walk together to making a puzzle together. But the main factor is that the activity has to be done with each child individually and the parents must give their total attention and focus to that child during the activity. In order to achieve this it can be helpful to turn off the cell phone and also arrange for the other children to be occupied doing a separate activity for that time. For example, if your daughter wants to bake cookies tonight, this would be a great opportunity for quality time. So once the distractions are put aside, the quality time can begin. During this special time with your child, it is a great time to get them to open up to you as well. A great way to facilitate that is by asking them about things that interest them. Another way is by asking them to tell you a funny thing that happened in school that day. Children know when they have your undivided attention and this approach also helps improve the communication with your child as well.

           

Once these quality time activities begin, they will become a time that all the family members will look forward too. These activities often need to be planned in advance because of busy schedules but if one quality time activity is scheduled for each child weekly you will begin to see the positive changes in all relationships in the family. Each child will feel important and special and this will lead to them not feeling the need to compete with their sibling for your attention.

Written By: Mina Sulkowski, LMHC

Email: mina@mindtherapygroup.com